Still hanging in there

Hello…its me…I am still here…

Its been a few days which being completely honest haven’t been great

So I left you with me taking horse pills so that must have been Wednesday last week, wow where has 5 days gone!

Wednesday pills taken and off to bed to be woken up at around midnight with the most excruciating chest pains, I can only describe the feeling of someone squeezing me tightly around the chest while another person is trying to administer CPR to my chest, not that anyone has but I imagine it felt rather like the pain.

I lay there as you do, trying to be quiet and not writhe around the bed, I didn’t want to wake my husband, 1, he had to get up for work and 2, I would have been in that car and on my way to A&E before I could say..my pyjama’s are inside out. So I did what most people do, got up and writhed about on the sofa, I couldn’t get comfy, not supposed to take ibuprofen because of my blood cancer so did the British thing and made a cup of tea and generally just writhed around trying to get comfortable, as you do.

At some point I must have dropped off as I heard the alarm go off at 5.30am, jumping up to put the kettle on the pain appeared to have eased, it was still there but more of a dull throb now..phew!

Tea and breakfast made with Hubby waved off to work I thought I spend some time making a list of things I needed to do that day. Sitting at the dining table writing away I suddenly noticed that the vision in my left eye was a bit iffy, hand over the right eye so my brain could figure out what was going on I realised it was fly eye!

If anyone suffered or have ever suffered with migraine you will know what I mean. Fly eye is my early warning system that I need to pop some pills tout sweet to zap that mother chuffer….

Having not had a migraine for 2 years I couldn’t remember were Id put the tablets I had been prescribed…chemo brain strikes again. You’d think look in the logical place…this is chemo brain there is no logical place!

Having hunted high and low with one eye I eventually found them shoved in a container with the dogs vaccination cards, was obviously a logical place at the time.

Tablet popped I positioned myself on the sofa with sunglasses on, a cold flannel on my head and a pillow on top, no idea if this actually works but I’ve always done it and I think its more of a security thing now. Desperately wanting to go to bed to try and sleep it off but I cant as I’m expecting a delivery. Trying to get downstairs with fly eye, sunglasses, a flannel + pillow is bad enough, throw in 2 hyper dogs who want to get at whoever is behind that door is bad enough but throw the cat in who thinks he just should get involved = recipe for disaster so the safest place for me was the sofa.

I lay on the sofa and all of a suddenly felt sick, I’ve never been sick with migraine and to be honest I have only had a cup of tea so not sure where this is coming from.

All I can say is I felt like I had been run over by a bus and it had come back  to run move over again just to make sure.

Yes I’ve got cancer but oh heck migraine is awful, having not had one for 2 years I’d forgotten how life limiting they can be and I have no idea how people cope with them on a regular basis. I may have days where I struggle but migraine stops you in your tracks end of, so hats off to anyone that has to deal with them.

Eventually the migraine starts to dwindle and its bed time again, I am exhausted, could sleep on a washing line but oh no  the chest is back again and so the spiral begins, this continues until at 3.00am on Sunday when I have a eureka moment and I don’t have that many anymore 😉

I worked out my chest muscles were going into spasm, no idea why, could be caused by the chest infection but yay its not serious!!!!

I went back to see my GP yesterday to have a follow up for the chest infection and thought I would mention it.

I think my GP is great. most people complain about her being rude, she isn’t rude, she doesn’t suffer fools gladly and if there is nothing wrong with you she isn’t afraid to say it.

Having examined my chest, listened to my heart and announced it was fine and I wasn’t having a heart attack which I already knew she informed me I had pulled the muscles in my chest and they were going into spasm.

Now here’s the part that made us both smile, she said, I am going to put your cancer to one side and as this is not related ask you a set of questions.

Have you been running

Have you lifted anything heavy

Any form of extreme sport

Before I had chance to answer my GP is laughing and apologises which makes me laugh, she apologises again and says, yes I know you have cancer and the chance of you running a marathon is very unlikely but I’m not going to sit here and say, what do you expect you’ve got cancer so suck it up butter cup.

That’s why I like her she is one of the few Doctors I see and I see a few that doesn’t blame everything on cancer. I am sent away with instructions to place a hot water bottle on my back, get Hubby to massage it with tiger balm and come back if its no better by Friday.

Its actually much better but I look like poo from lack of sleep and will probably sleep the rest of the week away.

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Antibiotics and a looming hospital visit

I think I have yet another chest infection,  its  my 8th one this year…

Off I toodle to the Doctors, tell him what’s wrong and yep Bob’s your Uncle & Fanny’s your Aunt I have another chest infection.

Horse pills are prescribed with strict instructions to go back on Friday if I am no better and guess what…. hospital for IV antibiotics.

I had pneumonia last year and after 3 courses of antibiotics they decided I needed to go in to the cancer unit to have a stronger dose via IV. I was on a drip for 48 hours, lied through my teeth about how much better I felt so they would let me go home.

The unit I am under has a 14 bed ward and is used mainly for end of life care, I felt like such a fraud and denying someone the chance of specialist care in those last few days.

I have no problem going to a general ward but apparently my Consultant does, full of germs, don’t know how to look after cancer patients, you name it he has a reason why…

I’m off to swallow horse pills, keep warm drink plenty of fluids and do anything else I can to avoid being admitted.

Wish me luck

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Its been a great weekend but now…

I’m suffering for it.

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We’ve been away for the weekend, didn’t go far but its just nice sometimes to get up and go….go somewhere nobody knows you, no awkward looks, no fuss and I can be me.

Although we didn’t do much apart from walk the dogs in the woods, sat in the sun, read a book and even had a glass of watered down wine!

Today I am so tired my tired is even tired, perhaps its all the fresh air, who knows but its nice to be tired for a reason, not because of cancer, the chemo, tired because even though I cant go far I pushed myself to do so.

Okay so I may be paying for it now, I ache in places I had forgotten existed and may just sleep the day away but does that matter, not really…..

3.52 mins of being alive

At precisely 6.32am Cindi Lauper, Girl’s just wanna have fun came on the radio. I really don’t know what possessed me but I cranked up the sonas, grabbed the nearest thing which happened to be a screwdriver and I

Belted that tune out like a pro

I twirled round and round like there was no tomorrow

I threw shapes on the imaginary dance floor that I haven’t thrown for years and

I feel alive

Who cares that I cant sing and my neighbours probably think I have lost the plot, who cares my microphone was just a screwdriver and my moves were probably rather like a bad Dad dancing video, not me, for once I couldn’t give a flying fig.

I want to hold onto this feeling, I feel like my old self and that I could conquer the world, for 3.52 mins I wasn’t that person with cancer

I was me

I urge everyone to try it, let yourself go and twirl, throw some shapes and screech like there’s no tomorrow, let yourself go

Have a great day

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There is always someone suffering more than you

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Today isn’t about me its about a very good friend who popped in for a cup of tea and a chat earlier.

I’ve known her for years through horses, we were at the same yard, we rode together and so did our daughters.

My friend had a beautiful daughter who was full of life and lived for her Mum and her horses, they were inseparable and did everything together.

11 years ago my friends daughter who at the time was 19 went out for the evening with her boyfriend, that was the last time she saw her alive.

The next morning she came downstairs to find her daughter had committed suicide, in her hand was her mobile phone, a text message had been drafted to her Mum but never sent, the message simply said, love you xxx

Over the years our group of friends have treated her poorly, she has been avoided, ignored and even asked by one, haven’t you got over it yet. How do you ever get over loosing a child, a child that on the outside was happy but in the inside must have had extreme turmoil to take her own life.

I see my friend as and when she needs to pop by, we talk about her daughter, what she would be doing now, would she married or have children. She is free to vent, rant, cry and laugh

I think sometimes we get caught up in our own lives so much we forget those around us that are in great pain and should take the time out to make sure they are ok, a simple text message or phone call is all it takes to show you care.

WOW

Where did the day go…..I’ve slept the day away

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Until the phone rang

That’s another day wasted. I’ve missed breakfast and lunch but made up for it by eating a family sized packet of haribo’s. That’s the great thing about these chemo tablets they supress your appetite and add that to chemo brain = massive weight loss. These are the things they don’t tell you about.

I blame sleeping the day away on 2 things,

1, Chemo tablets, they make you feel yuk and zap the life out of you.

2, My hairdresser for turning up first thing without sending a text

I had so many plans and my to do list for tomorrow is ever expanding but I feel so much better for a nana nap